Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed university, I have one thing I want you to consider: Ladies and gentlemen this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor.

Now, think about that. That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee—an eight foot tall Wookiee—want to live on Endor with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense!

But more important, you have to ask yourself, what does this have to do with these elections? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with these elections! It does not make sense!

Look at me, I'm here supposedly giving a speech about my presidential policies, and I'm talking about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense. None of this makes sense!

And so you have to remember, when you're in that voting booth next week, deliberating and conjugating who to vote for. Does any of it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed university, it does not make sense.

If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must vote for me!

Food Court

Unfortunately I was unable to attend the second hustings in the Food Court. Some may say that this was because the speeches were all 3 minutes long this time round and I had better things to do with my Friday night than sit listening to them and being bored, but the truth is that while the hustings was taking place, I was in Joe's bar, tied to my chair, and under guard from SAB activists. While I was being tortured (mostly due to being in a bar and unable to drink) several members of SAB were giving out the following leaflets:

Once these bits of paper had been given out I was wheeled off and spent the weekend with the not-so nice people of SAB.

Guild Council Chambers

They almost broke me. Come the Monday morning after the kidnapping, I actually went to the hustings and read out the following:

My name is Damian Johnson and I am reading a prepared statement.

As you may be aware, I have spent the past few days in the company of SAB, the Students Against Bridges. I have been well treated. I say the following of my own free will and there are absolutely no sniper rifles targeted on me right now.

The SAB leader, Mustafa Peepee, has made me see the error of my ways. I was wrong to promote bridges, and made a grave error in convincing 2 members of university staff to feature the monstrosities in their lectures last week.

• Back in 3000BC the king of Atlantis decided to build a gigantic golden bridge. The gods were angry and destroyed the city.
• Bridges are used by almost every crime organisation in the world – including such groups as the Mafia and BUGS.
• Bridge construction wastes the Earth’s precious natural resources.
• Ben Affleck has built his entire career on bridges.
• Every year hundreds of people are killed or seriously injured in bridge-related accidents.

And most importantly
• Bridges cause PhD students to waste the Guild’s money.

I can now see that bridges are bad and I will no longer be using them in my campaign.

Again, I repeat that I say this of my own free will and has nothing at all to do with the amount of bones I accidentally broke over the weekend.

Unfortunately for SAB, the beatings only made me stronger. My limbs healed, the bleeding stopped, and I set to work making sure that if SAB tried anything like this again I would be ready.

Comedy Hustings

With my fully armed and operational chair, I was afraid of no SAB, and they remained relatively silent in their activities for the remainder of the campaign - I say 'relatively', but there were incidents like this:

and the cutting off of my fantastic election song! Sing it with me... Bridges, bridges, chairs, chairs, chairs, bridges, chairs, bridges, bridges, ...

At the end of the night pretty much everyone from every campaign team almost got in a lot of trouble for slating by riding about outside the Guild on my chair.

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